Sloof Lirpa™ is a future-focused brand hailing from the ephemeral metropolis of Atlantis. The engineers at Sloof Lirpa™ have been sewing the days away to create an alternative to our cumbersome hip-pack and backpack ride storage options. Their groundbreaking discoveries will revolutionize the way we shred forever.
Introducing, the all-new 3-pocket lycra jersey, aptly named the Tri-Spinal Marsupial™. This breathable bit of brilliance keeps your skin cool on sweltering rides, and your snacks and supplies secure. The three back pockets offer ample space for a full-length baguette, keys, wallet, slingshot, magnifying glass, car-phone, a book of matches, and a paperback copy of Why I Wake Early, by Mary Oliver. Gone are the days of pedaling with sweat-drenched backpacks and flippy-floppy hip packs. We can all breathe easy knowing that we will feel our gear directly against our lumbar, rather than tucked in the pocket of some bag or unsightly kit strapped to our frame.
Downhill and enduro racers in particular will revel in a newfound ability to wear as much back and chest protection over the top of the jersey as they can find, negating the need for a traditional baggy shirt on race day. “Burlier pads on the outside” is the new “sleek, form-fitting protection.”
On the trail and in the wind tunnel
I rode in this jersey on my way to the bar once and I gotta say, it’s hella tight.
The jersey’s material is so tight that your tattoos may show through, and body hair most certainly will. This skin hugging squeeze brings your sweat glands closer to the air where perspiration can dry more rapidly than it does from your obsolete riding t-shirts.
The Tri-Spinal Marsupial™ tends to stick to you like toilet paper at the end of a sweaty pedal, and the engineers at Sloof Lirpa™ have got your disrobing needs covered. Simply open the full-length front zipper and the lycra will slough off your skin like a Bandaid after a salty bath. Then, simply remove your sweat-saturated wallet from the lumbar pockets and leave it to dry for several days.
The jersey’s svelte cut guarantees the highest level of aerodynamics for those endless hours you spend on your mountain bike pedaling at over 20mph (32.19kph). The dedicated team of former boxer-brief designers spent two long hours in NASA’s maximum-security aerodynamics laboratory to ensure that this gem of a jersey will make you ride faster in the forest.
To boost the aero element by a factor of 0.03%, customers have the option to cut the sleeves from either side of the main jersey. Sloof Lirpa™ plans to offer a factory version of the cut-sleeve model, tentatively named the Thorax-Ax™, in the spring of 2038. This second model will cost an additional £40, but it’s like kinda totally worth it.
In the tavern
In addition to its avant-garde storage benefits, zip down removal system (ZDRS-2™), and airtight-aero-tech (AAT™), the Tri-Spinal Marsupial™ is decidedly revealing, allowing riders to show off the muscle they built all winter in the gym, instead of drinking booze and watching television. When you do finally make it into your local windowless suds-house on a hot summer day you will be sure to impress your fellow imbibers with this unforgettably cutting-edge look.
We would like to thank NASA and Sloof Lirpa™ for sending the Tri-Spinal Marsupial™ for us to wear to the bar, and loan to a friend for photos.