The clean lines. The beautiful features. The finest components in the land. The very sight of her fills a man with desire, and what could be better, I ask you, than throwing your leg over this fine specimen and giving her a vigorous workout?

What am I talking about? Sex, of course. But bicycles are also awesome.

PHOTO: John O'Nolan

Yes, bicycles. The most fun you can have on two wheels, as long as you don’t count motorcycles. Which I don’t, mind you, because simply looking askance at one of those death machines can injure a man to such a degree that he will resemble a poorly-made hamburger. I touched a motorcycle once and it ripped off my arm (it got better).

Yes, bicycles are the fine wine to the motorcycle’s rotgut liquor.

In fact, bicycles are so amazing, one wonders why anyone bothers to pursue any other kind of sport. Except the doing it kind, of course. In fact, most people in the world seem to be preoccupied, not with sports, but with games.

Oh, you haven’t considered the difference? Well allow me to defer to the Googles, the place from whence all knowledge doth flow.

It is a subtle difference, but an important one. Note that a sport requires “physical exertion and skill” whereas a game can be won through “skill, strength, or luck.”

Any mountain rider who has found himself deep in the woods and so tired he can barely steer his bike knows the difference I am describing here. When you get that tired, there’s only one thing to do: call a time out, have a replacement jog over from the bench and finish the ride for you while you sip sugar drinks and eyeball the cheerleaders. Right?

Wrong, bucko, because cycling is a sport, and being relieved like that is game stuff. Only in a game do you have sidelines full of support. In a sport all you have is your body, stone cold determination, and maybe a squeaky chain if you’ve been lazy with the maintenance lately.

Running is a sport, at least, but nowhere near as good as cycling. A bicycle is the most efficient way to move a human being from one place to another under his own power. That means that a bicycle can drain you completely, whereas runners often stop with plenty of energy left due to various pains or suddenly realizing they could be on a bike.

Swimming is also a sport, but I will not even deign to discuss it here. If Man were intended to swim, the Earth would be mostly covered with water.

Many of my closest friends are game fanatics. They even have the unfettered gall to call themselves sports fans, though they are openly critical of my cycling addiction. I don’t mind, though. I know it’s all fun and games.

# Comments

  • casto

    haha good write up. I lol’d a few times but i completly agree with you. People act like its as mystery about getting in to shape. Its easy, get on a bike! Walla! The great thing about biking is when you accomplish something it your victory. Sure you had help but you had to accomplish it with your own two feet. The dedication is so rewarding. To bad the percentage of the population that Mountain bikes is so low. The world knows not of what it’s missing.


  • Jarrett.morgan

    Great post. I defiantly giggled a few times. I also did not know bikes were that efficient. Looks like I learned something new today.

  • Jgooden93

    Stop with these awesome write up’s! My favorite part of riding is the lack of traffic on the trail! Just kidding a friend of mine and myself have introduced 5 new members to mountain biking this year and having them enjoy the sport is my favorite, teaching them not only to ride but the importance of maintance on both bike and trails. Keep up the good work!

  • gsxr_randman

    Good article. And by they way most of the Earth is covered by water (at least 71% of it).

    • mtbgreg1

      Lol I was thinking the same thing…

    • jhodgson

      Impossible. Everything I write for Singletracks is 100% true and completely serious.

    • mtbgreg1

      But you make a good point. If the earth is mostly covered by water, why the heck are humans so bad at swimming?

  • AJ711

    Great read!

    I struggle to call any one activity the “greatest”, but I can understand why mountain biking might be that for some. I like different sports/games for different reasons, and participate in each for much the same rationale.

    • jhodgson

      Here comes Mr. Reasonable in his beige Volvo everyone. 🙂

    • AJ711

      It is a red subaru forester, thank you. 😀

      And I confuse all the local lesbians.

  • E.England

    1. Over 70% of earth’s surface is water, and swimming is awesome.
    2. Will agree, biking is more fun.
    3. A better question is why anyone would ever call golfing a “sport”…

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