I’m ashamed to admit that I have never ridden an e-bike. Yes, ashamed! Because that lack of experience has left me ill-equipped to talk about the recent release by S+ARCKBIKE and Moustache Bikes. It’s called the M.A.S.S. Collective, and there’s an e-bike for each of four different types of terrain: mud, asphalt, sand, and snow. But it doesn’t stop there. You also get accessories to go along with each e-bike on each terrain.
We start off with the “M” bike, where “M” stands for “mud.” It looks like this:
As is distressingly usual for these press releases, we know very little about the bike. Power: who knows? Weight? No idea. MSRP? One thousand unicorn smiles.
We do have a few words about the mud bike:
MUD is an all-terrain bicycle whose medium hot grayscale colours combine elegance and discretion. Developed around a dual suspension frame and high-end components, it is equipped with the latest generation in gearing and Shimano XTR brakes. It has the concept of differentiated diameter 27/9 wheels introduced by Moustache and ultra high performance Fox and Rock Shox suspension
Okay, XTR kit and Rock Shox I think we can understand, but what’s all this 27/9 wheel diameter business? Moustache have decided that ultimate performance in a bicycle comes from a 27.5 rear tire and a 29er front. Here they are on their web site talking about it, and also extolling the virtues of an e-mtb.
Then there’s the “Asphalt” version:
The “Sand” version, which is the preferred ride of certain Tatooine desert dwellers. For some reason this bike was ridden through someone’s laundry and a tee shirt got stuck on it. Why they didn’t take that off for the photo shoot I’ll never know.
And finally, the piece de resistance, the “Snow” bike, which is wearing a fur coat. Why is it wearing a fur coat? I have no words.
The snow bike reminds me of the weird missile-shooting deer from the movie Gentlemen Broncos, which I highly recommend. If you do decide to watch it, be ready for some weirdness. But good weirdness.
Weirdness aside, … well, actually, weirdness not aside, because each bike comes with accessories — helmets, gloves, backpacks — meant to go along with the Mud, Asphalt, Sand, and/or Snow.
Here’s the MUD helmet with its faceshield in the “raised” position. Again, I have no words.
This is the “Asphalt” helmet with its faceshield lowered, probably because the rider was called upon to quell a street riot somewhere.
Look, I don’t know diddley about fashion, but I do know a few things about bikes, and one of them is that bikes don’t need clothes. I also don’t think they need electric motors on them, but I’m a purist like that, I guess. Am I taking crazy pills? Probably.
I should put on a fur coat.