Happiness for Singletracks ......

[Bombardier]

This, my first forum post in almost a year, is a sort-of "Hail-and-Farewell" to everyone here who remember me from my articles, photos, and beginning work on the website itself, with my meeting & riding with a few members in person in the past. I wish that I could've repeated those meetings, with everyone here, and on a grander scale..... which was even the plan at one point.

First, I want to congradulate Trek7k for all his work on Singletracks.com to get it to the point it's at now.... and most especially ya'll loyal Singletrackers! This website has to be one of the most valuable resources in the online MTB world, and almost all of it's content has been created by each and every one of you. Singletracks is totally & truly "custom", and no other Mountainbiking website can even come close to the amount of free riding/GPS/trail information available. If I remember correctly, the only other site that has a listing of trails & GPS nation-wide is Trails.com, and what they've got is definitely not free.... nor is it as comprehensive as what's been featured on Singletracks.

I am excited to watch Singletracks, with everyone here on-board, lead the way and head into Mountainbiking's bright future! This website and its outstanding contributors exhibit an integrity, focus, and knowledge-base which amongst the other major MTB websites, I'd noticed theirs had started to become contentious, fragmented, and muddy (not the good kinda mud I'm afraid).

Singletracks, though it's grown & matured so much since I first discovered it, has retained the "small-town" quality and familiarity that is so lacking elsewhere....
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Old Editor for Singletracks.com
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_____MIA_____

SantaCruz Nomad, Nirve-53 Klunker, My Life
___________________________
"You Will Not Be Forgotten"
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[steve32300]

I gotta agree,this site has some really good stuff to soak up,deffinately nice to be able to bike the net while at home and soak up some deep information to delve into and study up on.That's what I like about singletracks.com.

[dauw]

So where've ya been?

Are you still riding Azonic Outlaws? I've been think about picking some up but have heard some mixed reviews about problems with the fit of the 20mm and QR adapter, and also that the rear hub is made of cheese. What's your verdict? I'd be glad to hear it. thx.

[Bombardier]

This is me explaining the "Farewell" part....

I'm still unsure as to if... and why... I should even be putting this out here. I've only let two people know about this, who know exactly what's happened to me in the past half-dozen months, but I know that there are people here who, even though they've only met me once (or never at all), I'm still real enough to them.... it's rather crass to simply shirk my responsibility as a friend and member of the community, and vanish. And I believe that it'd be an unreasonable (and rude) thing to expect the one person here who knows my story to explain my disappearance.

I've been away from Singletracks for a long time now, and it took a lot of effort for me to even get this far. It's a matter of guilt, really.
I've been severely lacking in my obligation to Singletracks and the members here; it was my job to keep on top of the latest and most influential developments in the industry disseminate that information to everyone here, as well as keeping up with my editor & moderator duties. For a while when I still had internet access last year, before leaving the Army, I simply didn't have the spare time. However I planned on coming back to Singletracks and sharing my knowledge & experiences with my fellow Singletrackers. I intended on helping ST become the BEST mountainbiking website on the net, and I was devoting much of my spare time to digging up & collecting material to fully flesh-out ST's Bike Tech DIY pages; complete with detailed step-by-step photos, proceedures on every type component on every type of bicycle I could lay my hands on (i.e. SRAM, Shimano, Campy, etc rear derailleur setups & repair for MTB, road, & recumbent cycles). I wanted to really get into GPS systems.... and start a geocaching, only for MTB'ers. So for the guilt bit.... When I make a promise to do something, I do what I can to make it so. Normally

Since I started riding in '05 and really got hooked on everything velocipede, I wanted to work at an LBS with an eye towards opening my own shop with the help of my then-wife, and some VA loans later down the road. But in the meantime I fully planned on going at least semi-pro & racing Super-D and Downhill, even though I was staying in the Army. It even occured to me that if I had told the Army I wanted to start racing mountainbikes, it was entirely likely that they would've helped sponsor me.... and even better, I would've been able to work doing both things that I loved so much!
Then I got hurt in Iraq during early '07, the time I could spend really riding got smaller & smaller, as my physical problems got progressively worse. In addition, it became evident that my career in the Army was finished, and I had to start making a new plan for my rapidly approaching discharge date. 14 November of last year was my final day in the Army, and my wife left me that same day. I didn't know it then, but she intended on filing for the big D once I finished at Barnett and got settled into a good job and a permanent residence.... as she didn't want to risk distracting me from my mission in life, which was to do all of the aforementioned and then send for her once she had finished her own schooling in Florida, and I 'spose I should be a bit grateful for that.

I started attending school at BBI in May, and I when finished there I was due to start working for an best LBS in Aspen. At the very end of May, two days from my 30th birthday and on the last day of class..... everything in my life came crashing down in a firey ball of cinematic figurative death. It's hard for most people to believe how a momentary loss of attention to detail could result in the effective end to one's life; but that's exactly what happened.
I should've known better.... especially since I've seen exactly what a momentary loss of attention to detail can do to a man in combat. That's when the suicide bomber in the crowd starts their final prayer to allah while walking towards your position, or you drive over the IED that would've been spotted, or the guy with an RPG pops out of an alley off to the side and sends it; and it's all missed because the mind wasn't focused on the task at hand, all because of one momentary loss of attention to detail. My mistake was almost that catastrophic for my life; and after that, absolutely everything that could've went wrong, absolutely did.

Without going into details, which are still incredibly painful for me even to think of it..... On one day I lost absolutely everything that I held dear in my life. But most devastating was the future that I had worked so hard to secure evaporated in a heartbeat. And though I learned later that regardless of what I did or didn't do, my wife whom I loved wouldn't have been a part of that future. Yet I still would've had two-wheels, the ribbon of dirt, and the community of my fellow Singletrackers to help keep my hope for happiness alive through the loneliest days/months/years..... All of it gone, and in less than a whole weekend.
My wife, my grandfather who passed that day, both of my bicycles (Nomad and Klunker), my antique Jeep, tools, my collection of antique & modern memorabilia/valuables.....

I will never be able to recover either of my bicycles (or any of the other invaluable items), nor will I ever be able to afford anything like them again. Due to my health condition, I simply cannot ride a bike unless it has enough quality suspension in front and back to soften the blow of even riding over a curb.... or I can manage to ride a rigid Walmart crapcycle on a perfectly smooth surface and never have to pedal hard up or down even the smallest of hills. Even if I had a decent bicycle now, I wouldn't have a way to transport it beyond the couple mile radius around where I live now, as I have lost my Volkswagen to the bank.

I thought that maybe, after a couple years of saving enough of nickels/dimes/quarters to buy a used mid-range, full-suspension MTB.... like one of those older base-model Gary Fisher Cake3s, or a Trek Fuel, or a Specialized Stumpjumper. And I started thinking; once I got my bike, I'd start riding more.... which would in time become easier as my screwed-up back got used to it, or it got fixed. Even better, a head start! Waiting for that to happen before starting to save for a replacement mountainbike (or klunker) would mean I'd be looking at a decade-long timeline, given the miniscule amount of money I'd have left over from bills and a minimum-wage job.
My dreaming days are done now.
It was impossible enough to find someplace that'd hire a broken-down 30yr-old ex-Army vet; make accomodations for his physical limitations so that he could work more than a few hrs/day, pay him enough so that he could make his car-payments.... AND the rent, utilities, medical-&-car-insurance, medications, and lastly food.
Believe it or not, that in this day & age of "support" for veterans, I've been outright rejected for scores of jobs because I am a disabled 30yr-old veteran who's prior job experience is worth diddly, since his medical condition precludes doing jobs where that experience would be used. Even if I DID have a job, I'd have no way of getting to it.... unless it was less than a couple blocks away so I could walk there. What could I do instead, ride a bike???
ROFLMAO

I've had to face the ultimate shame of having to run back to my parent's house.... and they're past retirement age, but my mother has had to take a part-time job to pay for my bills. So every time I'm reminded of my stolen mountainbikes it throws my ruined marriage, my broken promises, my unfulfilled oath to my Nation, and my wasted life, right back into my active consciousness. Usually just after I've managed to temporarily forget things and maybe get a decent night's sleep.

That's why this is my Farewell.... unless by some miracle I can come to terms with at least the loss of my bicycles. I keep looking at eBay hoping to maybe spot my Nomad or Klunker, but I know that's a notion on the far left-side of ridiculous. I've been looking at used full-suspension bikes too, but there's been nothing I could remotely afford that I could ride.
In short, I'm almost run out of my unemployment insurance benefits, and I left Colorado with little more than what I could carry on my back & shove into a couple suitcases...

I'll do my best to wander my way back here, if I can, when I can. I want to be sure everyone here is still doing what they love, and Singletracks is still growing into the best Mountainbike website in the industry.

Oh, and this website has done something for me that's eased my psychic agonies a bit, which means a LOT in reality. When my laptop was stolen (there's a pattern here, hmmmm.... do I exude some sort of scent that attracts thieves, like bears are to honey?!?) it had every remaining picture from my happy life on it. ALL of them. Pictures of my wife, of my family. Pictures of Germany, the Army, my Army comrades (some of them "Taps" has been played for). Pictures of everything Bicycle-related that I've piled up over the years; fellow riders, my bikes, my wife's bikes, people's bikes, rides I've/We've been on, trails, tech, gear, etc.
I don't just keep pictures because I'm a shutterbug. If I don't take pictures of something or someone, it or they will have completely vanished from my memory within 6-12 months, except for a vague recollection of the person's name & gender (if I'm lucky). If it's a place/thing, then I'll have totally forgotten it with no residual reminders. Unless..... those people or things are attached to a particularly unpleasant memory. Joyful memories aren't so lucky, they disappear too. Take my ex-wife, Lindsey. I can't remember what she looks like anymore, or what her voice sounds like, or what she liked to eat, or..... isn't that a good thing about an ex-wife? or so I've been told.
Singletracks has kept some of the pictures of people & places I hold dear, and because I now have even just those low-res pics, I can remember the happy times in my life.
_________________
Old Editor for Singletracks.com
_____________
_____MIA_____

SantaCruz Nomad, Nirve-53 Klunker, My Life
___________________________
"You Will Not Be Forgotten"
___________________________

[CraigCreekRider]

Wow Bombardier. All that bad stuff happening close together is crushing. Just want to offer words of encouragement from another MTBer who has had a couple of years that I do not wish to repeat. Things eventually tend to even out. Sometimes you just have to take detours to get back where you want to be. Hang in there my friend and do your best to weather the storm. Anything specific us Singletrackers can do to help a brother out, well, throw it out here.
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CraigCreekRider
http://s227.photobucket.com/albums/dd66/CraigCreekRider

[trek7k]

We're all pulling for you Joel! Hopefully you'll be back soon dispensing your sage MTB advice and doing what you love. This sport and lifestyle has a funny way of making things right
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SINGLETRACKS.COM || Bike the net

[Asfyxiate]

Yeah man, I can definitely say singletracks has come a long way, and I've only been here for a solid 2 years. But I've also looked at some old stuff from long ago. Anyways, you're a valued member here, and always will be. Kinda like having a singletracks Hall of Fame.

[WatchThis]

Bombardier: I'm new to the SingleTracks community (this is only my second post) but I knew from reading numerous posts that I found what I was looking for, a group of like-minded MTB'ers.

There are many cool quotes on this site but one stood out in my mind from the beginning.... Here is the quote that everyone here will recognize:

Life is a journey, we only live it once, so live the life you want to live. Be the person you want to remember. Make decisions, make mistakes. If you fall, at least you tried. ChiliPepper

Now for a favorite quote (posted at the local running store):
"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending." Maria Robinson

I wish you all the best.
-Dan (Athens, AL)

[GoldenGoose]

Keep your head up man. Stay positive and veiw this change as a chance for new opportunity. We'll keep you in our thoughts and try to send some good mojo your way.
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Looking for inspiration, everyday.

[seenvic]

Wow, that's heavy stuff.

There are two great days to plant a tree. 20 years ago and today.

Best of luck getting your tree planted today.

[Beaker]

Good luck to you and remember you always have 'family' in the MTB community.
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Cross country biking is great....if you live in a small country.

[fleetwood]

Wow. I don't know what to say. Keep your head up, man. It's gotta get better.

[aabiking]

Man, I am at a lost for words. Joel, I know how you feel about the marriage and the job loss and I am saddened tremedously for all your troubles. As a former vet myself I thank you for your service and all service men and women. Keep your head up and always strive to make things better. I am sure things will turn around for you. I will be sure and keep you in my prayers.

Alan
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Live Free, Ride Hard

Vir prudens non contra ventum mingit

[Bombardier]

I feel like a heel.... like a drama-llama, a pity-sponge, someone call the waaah-mbulance, for even putting any of this up here. Like it should be kept on private, why let the whole frakkin' internet & biking community see how tore-up my life is.

Screw it.

I have to say this, coming back to read and make a reply to all the offers of helpful thoughts and prayers is something that I had promised myself I would not do.
I've been hunting constantly for a way to wrap my brain around the loss of my Nomad, and the end of my life-plan including making any sort of career in the bicycle world. I've tried applying logic and being pragmatic about it all; which then turned to my trying to just be my normal cynical self and blow it off by making light of it in my own way. And lastly I've tried to just forget.... which actually has had the opposite effect.

So far, my family, the VA head-shrinkers I've talked to, and the few of my "friends" (whom I've known for over a decade at least & can still contact, though they never reciprocate) I've tried explaining this to.... simply do not have the faintest grasp of the kind of anguish losing that damn bike is causing me. Every time the advice I get commonly boils down to something like this; "It's just an inanimate object, you're too attached to it, just forget about it.", or "Don't worry, you'll get another bicycle and then you'll feel better.", to "Just give it some time, work at getting back in the groove of things, and your passion for it will come back."

Look, I know everyone is just trying to help me feel better and get me doing something that makes me happy again, but every time I've tried explaining that it wasn't just a ^+*#)$!ing normal bicycle and hobby. It wasn't just a damned prized possession like someone's favorite car, or even like a beloved family pet.
Originally, yeah, the mountainbikes I owned before were prized possessions, and riding was just my newest favorite pasttime. But when I decided to reenlist in the Army, and that I would use my reenlistment bonus to buy that Santa Cruz Nomad, it was all part of my ultimate plan that would lead my life until retirement.... and it was the one and only damn thing I've ever discovered in my life that I loved doing enough so that even as a job, I could live & work on bikes until one day I died with a spoke-wrench & wheel in my hands, and not feel for a second that I should've done something else with my life. Going to Barnett was the first step in making a life out of my failed run in the Army, and I have this knack for doing all things bicycles, which made me think I could make a go of it regardless of the other screwups in my life..... but that dream endo'd and ate $!!t just as it left the gate too. Even when my wife divorced me; which took a huge chunk of happiness & left a big hole in my life's plan, I still weighed that loss against the fact that I'd still have my bike and my passion for them (which was shared by so many friendly people), that the hurt of being alone would be bearable.

That stupid bicycle was so much more to me than just me "dream bike". That damn POS kinda became my best %*#^#$'ed friend; when I lost the emotional and intimate portion of my life, it took me away from the numbing loneliness which consumed my life just sitting at home. I could just look at that dumb inanimate object sitting there and SEE the potential it held for me (literally & metaphorically).... that without it I wouldn't have ever discovered what I truly wanted to do with my life. And through the miracle of cutting-edge mountainbike technology I could actually ride it and not only save on fuel money (important when one is un-hireable), but I wouldn't be in agonizing pain afterwards. Riding around on that bike (and later my Klunker) actually had enormous physical theraputic value; it kept my muscles from balling up into horrible knots, the nerves from being aggravated by so much inactivity, relieved stress, etc.

Even IF, by some miracle, I found & was offered a steady job at a decent LBS..... being around all those beautiful reminders and people still able to embrace their own passion for riding, would only make me miss my friend that much more.... and probably make me incredibly jealous. And it's not as if that on a part-time (or even full-time) shop-monkey's minimum wages, I'd ever be able to afford another Nomad (or comparable full-suspension bike of it's caliber). That's why it just pisses me off even more when someone suggests that I just go out and buy a cheap bike. My body just can't handle riding a cheap bike, or any kind of normal hard-tail. Hell, I'd even be happy to find an old klunker or used cruiser-bike (like the Nirve), so that I could put one of those suspension seats/seatposts & big fat wide tires on it, so that my back would be able to take the occasional pothole or even eventually short off-road excursions. Actually, come to think of it, converting another cruiser into a Klunker like my Nirve, with just a few changes from last time, would make me a lot more at ease with things. BUT.... I'm still faced with the fact that after so many years wasted & not having a clue of what to do with the rest of my life, and finally having found that one thing....... I got nothing now, and won't ever have that opportunity again. But worst of all is I lost my friend..... which is yet another sad life commentary, 'since the few decent people I knew who swore to be loyal friends no matter what time or distance or circumstance.... every single one of them has forgotten their word & discarded me. That's why I'm so angry about just a stupid mountainbike, and why I can't just let time distract or heal things.
_________________
Old Editor for Singletracks.com
_____________
_____MIA_____

SantaCruz Nomad, Nirve-53 Klunker, My Life
___________________________
"You Will Not Be Forgotten"
___________________________

[WatchThis]