We’ve published a bunch of great how-tos on Singletracks over the years, but what if you just don’t care about your bike? What if you want to destroy it so you have the excuse to buy a new one? Or what if you’re a true professional slacker when it comes to doing any and all work? If any of those sound like you, here’s how to slowly destroy your bike in 5 easy steps:
1. Don’t clean your bike.
Yeah that’s right, just don’t bother. Running through a river will do a bang up job anyhow. What’s that, no river? Leave the bike outdoors when it rains… that way, you save on water. It’s better for the environment and besides, all that great dirt will run into your lawn. Spending a lot of money on bike cleaners is just not worth it. Bikes are mostly aluminum, carbon, and other elements that don’t rust! So why bother? It’s just gonna get dirty again, anyhow.
2. Don’t service your bike.
Make doubly sure you don’t let the bike shop guys touch your ride. Why, it’s working fine! You don’t need to spend all that cash on silly things like bike lube… Pfft!! Vegetable oil makes things slippery, and I have lots at home! Why spend ridiculous amounts of cash getting all the exotic bike-specific mojo crap… It’s a bike. Hell I remember when I had a banana seat on my bike… I never changed a thing.
Oh and that shifting stuff… yeah sometimes you get that grinding. No worries, you just have to press on the shifter harder. It will shift eventually… trust me. The same goes for your brakes. Think about it: brakes on your car last about 25,000 miles, so why check your bike brakes after a few weeks of riding?
3. Ignore creaking sounds.
Those sounds are just your bike’s way of telling you it’s working. Nevermind all that noise. Think about it: all those moving parts and cables. Creaks are groans are bound to happen. Ever pop the hood of your car? See, noises! And nothing ever goes wrong with your car…
4. Absolutely, positively, do not service your suspension.
No way, no how. You’ll get some bad mojo if you touch it, so just leave it be. Bad, bad Voodoo. I mean… what can go wrong?! All you have are a bunch of sticky lever things with sealed ball bearings. See right there: sealed! That means nothing goes in, and nothing comes out. So why touch it? If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Shoot, I had a guy at a store once try and sell me some seal thingies, telling me I had to change them up to prevent water from getting in. I don’t ride in rivers (except when washing my bike), so where is this water coming from? Sounds like lies to me. Oh and nevermind the service he tried to sell, too.
5. Store your bike outdoors.
Your significant other will cut your tail if you try and bring your rig inside. It’s a bike… and a mountain bike, at that. Who are you kidding? What the heck are you thinking tracking in that dirty, dusty thing anyhow. Toss it next to the side of the house, it should be fine. I mean, aren’t they made of that fancy aluminum and stuff?
If you don’t want to destroy your bike, stay tuned for more maintenance and repair tips and how-tos, coming atcha later this week!
